Dear Cellphone,  Thanks for the popup notification warning me I’m playing music too loudly. I had no idea you were so concerned about my health given that you’ve been pretty tight lipped when it comes to other obvious forms of distress such as the feverish game of whack a mole I play with the

Pencil sharpener: Could you stand to do your job without making such a big fuss about it? All that winding and grinding is a bit dramatic. I mean, it’s cedar wood and lead. Not exactly the steel beam you make it out to be.  Stapler: The buck tooth paper stabber. Consider braces, everybody is

As I near the end of my Head & Shoulder Shampoo, I come to a time of reflection. Not only has this product saved me from the social damnation that is dandruff, it’s also kept my hair soft and glowing. Such an accomplishment did not come without sacrifice however, and I write this in

Feeling like you have no passion in your life? Looking for a pass-time that gives you purpose? Consider participating in the enriching craft of Hobby Starting: the act of starting hobbies. I am currently beginning my 12th hobby just this year and am finally ready to share what I’ve learned in the process. Some

Church is supposed to be a sanctuary. A place for good people to separate themselves from the evils of the world. Now, St. Patrick’s Cathedral must’ve had a breach in security or a gap in the floorboards because a couple evils managed to sneak their way inside and torment me what should have been

Dear coffeeshops, I love the giant chalkboard you have hanging behind the cash register, but would it kill you to write something useful on it? This may come as a shock to you but nobody cares which Nicaraguan plantation was exploited to churn out your shitty cup of java. I’m asking for two things