Teaching’s Easy

There is a common misconception that teaching is difficult. It’s not. The act of teaching is actually incredibly simple: listen to what I say, write it down, and memorize. The challenge comes when I’m forced to stop what I’m saying to negotiate the release of a rubber band pulled taut by the amateur marksman in the front row. Or keep the girl who drinks Mountain Dew for breakfast from snapping a highlighter in half. 

When every worksheet is treated as an opportunity to dispose gum or practice origami, I sometimes question the intellectual integrity of the students altogether. But I recently witnessed one of them take a tape dispenser, dismantle it into 6 parts, and proceed to pelt each piece against a locker. What is that besides extraordinary resourcefulness and opportunism? These kids are brilliant. What I see as nothing more than a writing utensil, they can employ as a projectile. What I see as a paper clip, they can, again, employ as a projectile. Over the course of my career I’ve discovered there’s nothing a motivated student can’t manage to send flying across the room. 

The variety of distractions knows no bounds. Circling the classroom I get a sense for how Jesus felt when he ravaged that temple. With my “learning environment” completely overrun by desktop nail salons and campus vandals selling Sharpies, the only thing left to do is start flipping tables.

I am, however, expected to be an authority on “acceptable behavior”, but as somebody who only recently retired from making farting sounds with their armpit it’s essentially the blind leading the blind. Nevertheless, I do try to prepare the students for life outside of high school with advice like “no swearing before 10” and “Cheetos aren’t breakfast.”

Generally I can curb behaviors directly with the student, however I was recently driven to make a phone call home after I discovered a child hidden in the corner of the room coating his hand in Elmers glue. After a short conversation the parent confiscated the glue. I was elated, curious to discover what else the phone call home was capable of. 

The calls started as valid concerns for the student and their academic progress, but soon dissolved to personal grievances. “Hello, just calling to see if there’s anything we can do about the strength of your daughter’s perfume. It makes me nauseous. And I don’t mean to nitpick, but what was she wearing today? An orange turtle neck? With that vest? Yea, well, I’m afraid it clashed. Let’s stick with neutrals until she can be trusted to use purple camo responsibly. Walking out the house like that is a clear cry for help, so listen closely: one more tie-dye shirt and I’m calling CPS.” 

But besides all that, teaching is easy. Once you have the things they do under control, you just have to worry about the (targeted and unprovoked) things they say. Like when I asked a student how she was feeling and she told me I look like Dahmer.

“God, your breath.”

“Damn you have big feet.”

“Why do you look so tired?” 

Maybe because you told me my voice sounds like an injured macaw and asked why my face is shiny. Let me put it to you this way, small fry: the ceiling above my bed used to be a blank, calming sheet of plaster. Now it’s a Jackson Pollock canvas, but instead of paint it’s splattered with your ceaseless psychological brutality. 

A word of advice to those reading: if you ever become self-conscious, talk to a highschooler. They will be quick to remind you that your skin breaking out (while noticeable and subject to comments like “Oh my god look at his face”) should be the least of your concerns. The color of your teeth, the gait in your walk, the narrow distance between your eyes; these bright young minds are dedicated to the art of criticism. With the integrity of a professional journalist, they call it as they see it, callous to the hours you will spend googling which whitening strips actually work. 

But besides the insults, the expletives, and the snarling, teaching is easy. Once the glue is confiscated, the tape dispenser reassembled, and the rubber bands safely locked away, teaching is the easiest job there is.