There is a common misconception that teaching is difficult. It’s not. The act of teaching is actually incredibly simple: listen to what I say, write it down, and memorize. The challenge comes when I’m forced to stop what I’m saying to negotiate the release of a rubber band pulled taut by the amateur marksman […]

My bike was stolen and I got it back. You’d think a story like that would be evergreen, easily incorporated into any conversation. Turns out it’s not and I keep getting asked to “please stop.” So to be sure nothing is lost to the stifling and ungrateful, I will document exactly what happened. As

Sometimes (every night as I’m falling asleep) I think about what life would be like if I could sing. This fantasy contains a few key elements such as: becoming a bitch, putting up with both nothing and nobody ever, and burning most all of my bridges (friends and family, I don’t play favorites) to

I have become physically ailed and nobody cares: no thoughts, no prayers. After a bench press of nearly 10,000 pounds, a weight I can usually rep quite easily, I lacerated my tendons from my spinal column (I think). Now as I sit in this rigid state, with my back practically split in two, I

I recently went out to eat with a group of people (not bragging) and was the last person to get my food. This moment of solitude I experienced resulted in an outlook on life not unlike that of Thoreau after his two years in the wilderness, or Chris McCandless before he ate those berries. 

Dear Kickball Team Captain, Thank you for the opportunity to express my interest in becoming a member of the team. I must confess at the start that I am new to the world of kickball as I come from a background that does not accept it as a legitimate sport. For many years I

Dear Cellphone,  Thanks for the popup notification warning me I’m playing music too loudly. I had no idea you were so concerned about my health given that you’ve been pretty tight lipped when it comes to other obvious forms of distress such as the feverish game of whack a mole I play with the

Pencil sharpener: Could you stand to do your job without making such a big fuss about it? All that winding and grinding is a bit dramatic. I mean, it’s cedar wood and lead. Not exactly the steel beam you make it out to be.  Stapler: The buck tooth paper stabber. Consider braces, everybody is

As I near the end of my Head & Shoulder Shampoo, I come to a time of reflection. Not only has this product saved me from the social damnation that is dandruff, it’s also kept my hair soft and glowing. Such an accomplishment did not come without sacrifice however, and I write this in