Dear Kickball Team Captain,
Thank you for the opportunity to express my interest in becoming a member of the team. I must confess at the start that I am new to the world of kickball as I come from a background that does not accept it as a legitimate sport. For many years I considered kickball to be a crude bastardization of baseball; a game of infancy cobbled together for the unathletic and uninspired. I looked at this game, organized primarily for children, as nothing more than a test in hand/eye coordination and an excuse to make fat kids run through dirt.
For many years I considered Kickball to be like Red Rover, Tag, and hitting a balloon in the air. A make-believe sport for idiots. I came to this conclusion for a number of reasons. For starters, look at the pitcher. It’s the central position of the game and it requires literally no skill whatsoever. It’s like it was designed for injured bowlers or off-season ski ball players; something so mindless and so inconsequential they could practice their roll and not have to learn a game of merit. Or how about the fact that the vast majority of participants don’t know how to read and literally shit themselves and yet are still able to understand, participate, and compete in the sport.
To say I was unconvinced by the integrity of the game would be an understatement. However, something changed around the time I discovered it might not be healthy that the only time I’m interacting with other people outside of my job I am heavily inebriated.
I now spend less time thinking about what the sport takes (from baseball such as its field, 90% of its rules, and 50% of its name) and focus more on what it gives. The soft sound of the ball bouncing towards the plate. The melodic snap of underdeveloped ankles as they strike against the bounding rubber. The chorus of metal bats of the softball team waiting for us to be done. The game is a choir and I ask today for a chance to sing.
While some look at a name like Kick Ball and think it unimaginative and brainless, I see it as a call to action. A call I am willing to heed as the newest member of your team.
Thank you,
Future Teammate
P.S. I have taken the time to brainstorm a few team names you might be interested in using:
- A Kick Ball’s Chance in Hell
- Rubber Rollers
- The New York Yankees
Future teammate,
I admire your passion for the love of North America’s number one athletic past time, kickball. However, after listening to your perspective on what it really means to kick the ball, I feel you’ve made a horrible, perhaps even terrible, bad decision by trying out for this team. By the sound of your well written 400 and 72 words, I believe your passion for kickball lies elsewhere, with croquet.
Croquet is to grass, what pool is to green felt. Pure magic. Croquet opens the door for opportunities beyond this solid and striped world. The swift energy you put into “kicking the ball” is NOTHING compared to the slow, heartfelt, dedication it takes to swing an oddly proportioned mallet at a gay colored ball.
Keep this conversation between the two of us. If too many people find out about croquet, there won’t be enough wooden hammers to feed the love of the game. I hope this helped.
Regards,
Shania Taint
P.S. Those team names suck. I will not suggest more.
• Plastic Bruises
Hi Tim,
Long time no see. I think this is great cover letter, the kickball team would be lucky to have you. I think it has a really great narrative of your personal journey with kickball. My only note is that it may be good to sprinkle notes of your positive experiences, memories, and outlook on the sport a bit earlier, to foreshadow the optimistic tone that is to come.
Warm regards,
Cameron Sleeper
Dear Tim,
It’s been a genuine pleasure to read on your timeline and emotions with this beloved sport. That being said, your actions prior to being enamored by the sport are absolutely terrifying. I do not want to risk darts, steak knives, and other sharp penetrables deflating any of our team’s balls. We’re also non-tolerant to expletives in any way, shape, or form, and couldn’t risk spouted ones. In addition, all our teams ankles are developed and the pitcher is our best player. I didn’t appreciate the subtle shade thrown at pitchers and kickball players alike. I’ve never heard ankle snapping referred to as melodic or the game being viewed as a choir. This may be me overstepping, but it may not be a bad idea to produce a musical production about a elementary school aged child that comes to find a deep love for kickball, only to terminally damage (or melodically snap) both his or her ankles playing the sport.
Despite not being able to allow you on our team, I would love to play darts at the local pub sometime. Let me know 🙂
Sincerely,
The captain of the 1984 national champion, Big Bouncy Balls
Still on the toilet while reading this