Dear coffeeshops,
I love the giant chalkboard you have hanging behind the cash register, but would it kill you to write something useful on it? This may come as a shock to you but nobody cares which Nicaraguan plantation was exploited to churn out your shitty cup of java. I’m asking for two things here: a wifi password and the bathroom code. After I order I’m not looking for more reasons to talk to your bug eyed drug addict you got running the espresso machine, unless it’s to tell him his nose ring’s askew and it’s making everybody nervous.
Second of all, ever consider tossing a chair in the place? I didn’t pay 3.99 for the coffee; I paid for the experience. The experience of putting a computer on the table and pretending to be a writer for 45 minutes before my hands start shaking and I have to pee. I’m not an interior designer, but I think it goes against basic feng shui principles to reject traditional seating and furnish the place with an overturned barrel and a pogo stick. But hey I appreciate the two by four you bolted to the wall. Ample space for my coffee and maybe a pencil if I balance it on its point. And yea, don’t bother offering a chair here either. Who needs it when you have two legs and a pair of Keds.
A coffeeshop is a place to do nothing and feel like you’re doing something. It’s a place to put a pen behind your ear and let people think you’re smart. It’s a place to sit and stare and pretend to pursue an artistic passion that you’re really not that passionate about. So how about you clear off the counter, put some Folgers in a Mr. Coffee, and let us sit in a chair with four legs for an hour and feel like artists.
-Tim
Good