Pencil sharpener: Could you stand to do your job without making such a big fuss about it? All that winding and grinding is a bit dramatic. I mean, it’s cedar wood and lead. Not exactly the steel beam you make it out to be.
Stapler: The buck tooth paper stabber. Consider braces, everybody is sick of staring at your crazy incisors.
Coaster: You are the barrier between the scuffer and the scuffable. Yet, mysteriously enough, a scuff has emerged directly beneath you. Let me make this clear, corky. Either keep this desktop clear or I’m whipping you out the window like a bad CD.
Lamp: I don’t care how you dress it up: you’re a light bulb. So if you’re going to sit up there, dolled up in a shade and vase, I don’t want to see any flickering.
Keyboard: Hey click-clack. Hush. Hammering out the alphabet shouldn’t sound like a suburban neighborhood on the fourth of July. I’m not trying to wake the neighbors so if you insist on firing off a firecracker after every character I’m going to use voice-to-text.
Mouse: You’re a laser powered pointing tool. I think you’ll be fine without your little felt pad. Enjoy the desktop and next time you glide over a drop of water try not to have a conniption.
Graphite, not lead.
Imagine all the terrible things they’re all saying about YOU being your back…