Introduction

You may think I’m writing because I have a love for language and the written word. I don’t. I think language is stupid and there’s hardly any reason to be talking at all. 

Our ancient ancestors spoke in grunts and slaps. They talked about berries and being chased to death by predators. Beyond that, is there really much more to discuss?  

Through this blog I aim to show that no, there really isn’t. Language allows for anyone to say anything with no consequence for how senseless the final product may be, and with this blog I plan to push that truth to its breaking point. This blog will be exhibit A in the museum of meaningless drivel language has the ability to convey.

What pains me about language is that it tortures me. All my deepest regrets have come from the things I’ve said. 

I lay awake at night and chronicle the long series of faux pas I’ve committed. Long nights wondering why I said “toodles” after a job interview. Contorting at the memory of saying “me no likey” in 7th grade. I had to buy a poster and pin it above my bed to soften the ricochet of intrusive thoughts beaming off the blank plaster, pelting me.

You think the caveman laid awake at night wondering why he grunted when he should’ve screeched? Or why he stomped when it was clear to everyone else in the cave he should’ve smacked? Of course not. The neanderthal stumbled home, took the bone out of his nose, and hopped out of his cheetah skin toga to dream about sticks and rocks. 

I used to judge girls for taping a boy band on their ceiling but now I get it. I’d rather fall asleep thinking about the Jonas Brothers than about that time I accidentally told an orphan his mama was so fat her blood type was Ragu. 

All that to say, this blog will mean nothing to nobody. Through these pages you will find nothing of use, utility, or interest. Instead you will discover a collection of outbursts and evidence of diagnosable derangement that I felt should not be limited to my coworkers, friends, family, and the people I sit next to on the subway.

The blog will be many things, but never will it be of substance. 

Thanks for reading!

-Tim